How to cope when your pre-teen/teen doesn’t want to spend time with you

By Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D.

There is certainly a lot written on the Empty Nest Syndrome – the period of grief that many parents feel after their grown child leaves home – but there are far fewer articles on how parents can best navigate their pre-teen or teen’s journey toward independence while still living at home.  

The journey from childhood to adulthood is marked by significant emotional and developmental milestones, one of which is the onset of the “Separate Nest Syndrome.” This term captures the essence of a phase in a pre-teen or teen’s life where they begin to assert their independence, often distancing themselves from their parents and family. 

The period can be challenging for parents who might feel a sense of loss, confusion and rejection as their once dependable and engaging child starts to pull away. It’s a natural evolution in the parent-child relationship, but it can stir up emotions for both parties.  

It’s not uncommon for pre-teens or teens to spend more time in their room or with friends and less time communally as a family member, and that can occur in several ways – from pre-teens or teens not wanting to sit down for family meals, to their not wanting to go on fun family vacations.

While this stage of parenting is a difficult one emotionally for parents, it’s important to remember that the quest for independence in pre-teens and teens is a fundamental aspect of their growth – your child isn’t selfishly doing this to you, they’re doing this for themselves as part of their development.  

It’s during these years that our growing children start to carve out their identity, separate from their family. This process involves exploring personal interests, and relationships outside of the family unit. The preference for spending time with peers is a healthy developmental sign, as friends provide a mirror through which pre-teens and teens can see themselves as individuals, distinct from their role in the family.

In the era of digital connectivity, social media platforms like TikTok have become a ubiquitous part of pre-teen and teen life. These platforms offer more than just entertainment; they provide avenues for self-expression, community building, and identity exploration. It’s important to understand that they are using these spaces to navigate the complexities of social interactions and self-discovery in a digital age.

So, how do we manage the emotional bruising that can occur when our pre-teen or teen pulls away from us or the family? The separate nesting phase of parenting is a time for parents to come to terms with and accept their own feelings of loss or loneliness while appreciating that their child’s independence is a sign of healthy growth. Recognizing and respecting this transition – and not over personalizing it – is the first step in maintaining a positive relationship during this time.

In any healthy and important relationship communication is key. It’s essential to talk openly with your child about the changes you’re both experiencing. Approach conversations with empathy, an open mind, and a loving heart, ensuring that your child feels heard. 

Work together to create the new normal. During this phase of development finding shared activities is crucial.Engaging in shared interests can bridge the growing gap for your child and you, and provide opportunities for bonding. A shared hobby, or a sport event, can foster a sense of connection. As the old proverb goes, “If you can’t beat them, join them,” so inviting your pre-teen or teen’s friends to activities will also likely be a supportive and welcomed move on your part. 

It can also be beneficial to preserve family centered moments, like family dinners, which give you deliberate time with your child. Car rides are also a great time to connect with your pre-teen or teen.      

It’s also important to keep things in perspective. Although the separate nesting phase of development may feel bad at times, it doesn’t mean that you will no longer see or spend any time with your child. It means that the amount of time and the ways in which you spend that time will change. It’s important to give them the space and privacy to grow, while also being there when they need you.

As challenging as it might be to watch our children grow up and become more independent, this is also a phase of development where parents could encourage responsible independence as part of the changing narrative. Supporting your child’s decisions and providing them with age-appropriate responsibilities could serve to foster a sense of trust, respect and renewed closeness. Asking your pre-teen or teen for help around the house, or participating in community service opportunities are great ways to connect.     

Even with effort, patience and acceptance, the separate nest phase of parenting can still be a difficult time. If you find it to be especially challenging to navigate this phase, seeking support from other parents is probably a good idea. Also seeking support from a mental health professional can be helpful.  

Okay, okay, just like the Empty Nest Syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis, the Separate Nest Syndrome isn’t one either. It’s a fitting term I’ve coined to describe the very real feelings and natural phenomena that occur when our children begin to outgrow childhood.      

This phase of developmentis a pivotal phase for both a pre-teen or teen’s life and a parent’s life.  It’s about adapting to a new dynamic in your relationship, where you support your child’s journey towards independence while maintaining a meaningful connection.  

Embracing this phase with patience, and good communication can transform these challenging years into an enriching experience for both you and your child. Whether your child is 2, 14 or 35, he or she will always need you; and, appreciating how they need you differently throughout their development is what’s most important.  

Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn.