How to be a supportive and positive parent in competitive sports

By Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D.

Male Emperor Penguins will stand guard to protect their baby eggs by covering them and balancing them on their feet in the freezing cold for a two-month incubation period. Emperor Penguin mothers will travel up to 50 miles to the ocean to retrieve fish for their offspring, which they keep warm in their pouches for long periods of time.  

Elephant mothers travel in herds and encircle their youngest member to protect them from predators, and orphan elephants are adopted by the herd. After octopus moms lay thousands of eggs, they stop eating and will not leave the area and will guard their offspring for as long as needed. It’s documented that octopus moms have waited up to four and a half years before the eggs hatch. Cheetahs, orangutans, polar beers and kangaroos are also known to be fiercely protective of their offspring.

Then there’s the sports team parent, arguably the most protective parents of all in the animal kingdom. When these parents are encountered by a threat or challenge, like other mammals, they will inherently defend their children, and there is a myriad of threats to defend against—a bad referee call, struggles with a coach, players, or parents, not being on the best team, not being able to play a preferred position, etc.

Okay, so not all sports parents are overly protective, but to keep from being “That guy” when it comes to your child’s competitive sports, I offer the following “Dos” and “Don’ts:”

Do encourage and support your son or daughter’s efforts: Research has shown that parents who praise effort bolster their children’s perseverance and performance for challenging tasks. Research has also shown that children do better when their parents demonstrate their involvement and interest in activities in supportive and encouraging ways. Our children want us to be proud of them, so smiling widely, cheering positively, and helping your child develop a strong work ethic in their given sport is good medicine.

Don’t pressure your son or daughter to play better: Don’t over focus on output, as that can put a lot of pressure on your kid. Your child’s success in their sport shouldn’t be measured by the number of goals or points they scored in a game, but rather, their success should be based on their effort to play well and to learn and grow.  

Do promote sportsmanship: In addition to supporting your child’s sportsmanship with other players, speaking respectfully as a parent about other parents, officials, coaches, teams/organizations, and players is also recommended. Speaking positively is always a good thing. Focus on the good, and try to avoid negative statements.   

Don’t become overly competitive and reactive: As a psychologist that works a lot with child and teen athletes, I’m often asked, “Why do parents become so upset at sporting events?” The reason is that we want the best for our children, and we also want them to be happy and successful. Our children are an extension of ourselves, and thus we identify with them. When we perceive that something or someone is a threat to our child or that something is unfair, it’s normal to feel badly with and for our kids and to want to jump in to protect them as much as we can. Problems occur when we over identify with our children as they struggle to manage unavoidable real-life challenges. 

If you find yourself becoming angry or overreacting emotionally in relation to your child’s sports experience, it’s more likely the case that something triggered you and that you need to make sense of what that is; screaming, taunting, or cursing during a game, or reacting negatively to a coach, will likely only lead to more problems.  

When faced with an upsetting or triggering moment, try to be aware of your tone and voice level, be careful what you say, turn to other parents for support and consider stepping away to regroup.

Do communicate: Regardless of the team your son or daughter is on, no team is going to get everything right for your child, and they will likely not manage your expectations at times. If your child is old enough to work through a problem on his or her own—it’s best to encourage that. 

If your child is younger, it’s best to communicate calmly and respectfully and at the right time. I recommend parents wait 24 hours after an upsetting event or problem before emailing or calling their child’s coach. That extra time will give you the space to cool off.

Don’t keep things inside: Often problems in sports, as is the case in other areas of life, go away on their own, but avoiding problems that don’t go away could make things worse for your child over time. There’s a very old idea in the field of psychology that strong, negative feelings turned inward can cause depression. Not addressing a problem that needs to be addressed can lead to a host of problems when parents don’t communicate effectively.

Do volunteer. Parent involvement helps to make a team experience more enjoyable. When you volunteer or help your child’s team, you’re building connections and modeling the importance of cooperation and giving back in relation to others. These sorts of socialization moments are important for your child to observe and internalize, both on and off the field.  

Don’t be a stranger: When your child is on a team, you’re on a team. While you may not agree with some of the things you hear other parents or players say—when we’re on a team we’re in it together. I’ve yet to meet a parent on my son’s teams that I didn’t like or didn’t enjoy spending time with. We all want our children to get the most they can from the sport and the experience.

So, the next time you have a little free time, don’t sit in your car and wait for practice to end. Connect with other parents and watch your child play and have fun if there’s an opportunity.

In summary, even if your son or daughter—or you as parents—do everything right, upsetting and unfair moments will happen for them when playing and when advancing in competitive sports. Problems on the court or field, or off the court or field, can’t always be avoided. It’s how your son or daughter, and you as parents, manage your feelings and actions during those tough moments that matters most. 

Michael Oberschneider Psy.D., “Dr. Mike, “is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn.