Ask Dr. Mike

By Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D.

Dear Dr. Mike,

I have been divorced for 18 months. It wasn’t an ugly split, and my ex-husband and I share custody of the children. He gets them three consecutive days, and I get them four consecutive days.

The kids, ages 5 and 8, at first thought it was fun to have two houses. Now, when they get mad at me, they retaliate with “I want to go to Dad’s house,” or “Dad would never do that.”

Would individual or family therapy help us? Or perhaps a different custody arrangement, so they don’t feel as if they have the option to go somewhere else when they don’t like what I have to say? – Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

It would be easy if there were a one-size-fits-all formula for situations like yours, but there is not. Each divorcing or divorced family is unique, and several factors need to be considered in establishing the best possible visitation or custody arrangement — the children’s ages, their personalities, their histories with each parent, etc.

Research has shown that shared custody is typically best for children; the active presence of a child’s mother and father in a child’s life can facilitate bonding and identity formation, as well as social, emotional, and intellectual growth.

Your visitation arrangement is not unusual given your children’s ages, and the court usually supports equal time for both parents. However, the frequent back and forth between the two parental homes may be creating problems for your children.

If your co-parenting relationship with your ex-husband is a strong one, I recommend expressing your concerns to him. Perhaps the two of you can work together to create a more unified approach to identified problem moments with your children.

Even if you and your ex-husband do not see eye-to-eye when it comes to your children or if you have different parenting styles, things may begin to improve if you are more consistent in how you engage, reward, and consequence your children in both homes.

If your co-parenting relationship is not strong, it may be helpful to address your concerns with a mental health professional. A parenting coordinator is advised for situations like yours.

Beyond your current visitation schedule, keep in mind that it has only been a year and a half since your divorce, and your children may still be adjusting to life as a divorced family.

Your children may need to address any struggles they may be having with you or their father more openly, or they may ultimately benefit from speaking to a child psychologist.

Making formal changes to a custody agreement can be very difficult to do unless there is a significant change in circumstances, or you and your husband are in agreement that changes are needed.

If you feel that you have tried everything and things have not improved, I recommend that you contact your attorney.

Dear Dr. Mike,

We have a 5-year-old son and a 2-year-old daughter who can be very sweet with each other. Other times our son acts very aggressively towards her, squeezing or pushing her and yelling.

When questioned, he’ll say, ‘I feel like you love her more than you love me.’ Having been extremely jealous of my own sister, I can relate.

How can I help him treat her with more kindness, feel loved, and not create the long-lasting jealousy that I felt?

Also, should we consult a counselor, and are there other books or resources you would recommend for families going through similar sibling rivalry situations? – Concerned parent.

Dear Concerned Parent,

There are benefits to having a three-year spread between siblings — while your son is at preschool you can bond with your daughter. For the first three years of his life your son has had ample exclusive time in developing his sense of self in the world. Your 2-year-old daughter has a model and mentor to learn from in her older brother.

Your 5-year-old son has been used to having you to himself, and he may feel that he is being forced to share your time, care, love, and attention with his sister, and in doing so, it appears that he is feeling less important to you.

While he is sweet sometimes, his emotional conflict likely occurs when he perceives that you do not have time for him, and frustration turns to anger and anger to aggression as a solution.

I recommend you try the following steps:

Step 1: You will want to correct your son’s behavior when he acts out with anger and aggression. Do it in a way that will increase his involvement and appreciation for his sister. Saying “no” or “go to time out” or reacting negatively to his behavior will likely validate his distorted feelings that you love his sister more than you love him, and that may worsen things.

The next time he crosses the line, separate him from everyone and sit with him for 5-10 minutes. The timeout is a consequence, but it is also an opportunity for the two of you to connect; to discuss what happened on a feeling level for your son, and to come up with ideas for how to manage those feelings better the next time.

Step 2: Speak about your son and your daughter positively in their shared presence. Your 2-year-old daughter’s vocabulary is limited, so you can be her voice with affirmative statements for your son to hear.

When your son is encouraged to share something with your daughter or when he does something nice for her on his own, you can thank him and tell him he is an awesome big brother. You will want to repeat this often, so that the two of them experience each other in a positive way.

Step 3: I also recommend actively enlisting your son as the “big boy” who helps you with his sister — singing songs to soothe her when she is upset, handing a towel to mommy after his sister’s bath, or fetching a diaper quickly for mommy when there is an urgent need. Praise him for being such a great big brother and babysitter to his sister.

A few books for you to consider for your situation are: Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, and Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate.

With structure and attention to your children’s needs, I am hopeful that your sibling rivalry problems will improve. Should your son’s problem with his sister persist, I would recommend seeing a pediatric/child psychologist for guidance and support.

Dear Dr. Mike,

I have been divorced for 18-months. It wasn’t an ugly split, and my ex-husband and I share custody of the children. He gets them three consecutive days, and I get them four consecutive days.

The kids, ages 5 and 8, at first thought it was fun to have two houses. Now, when they get mad at me, they retaliate with ‘I want to go to Dad’s house,’ or ‘Dad would never do that.’

Would individual or family therapy help us? Or perhaps a different custody arrangement, so they don’t feel as if they have the option to go somewhere else when they don’t like what I have to say? – Concerned parent.

Dear Concerned Parent,

It would be easy if there were a one-size-fits-all formula to situations like yours, but there is not. Each divorcing or divorced family is unique, and several factors need to be considered in establishing the best possible visitation or custody arrangement — the children’s ages, their personalities, their histories with each parent, etc.

Research has shown that shared custody is typically best for children; the active presence of a child’s mother and father in a child’s life can facilitate bonding and identity formation, as well as social, emotional, and intellectual growth.

Your visitation arrangement is not unusual given your children’s ages, and the court usually supports equal time for both parents. However, the frequent back and forth between the two parental homes may be creating problems for your children.

If your co-parenting relationship with your ex-husband is a strong one, I recommend expressing your concerns to him. Perhaps the two of you can work together to create a more unified approach to identified problem moments with your children.

Even if you and your ex-husband do not see eye-to-eye when it comes to your children or if you have different parenting styles, things may begin to improve if you are more consistent in how you engage, reward, and consequence your children in both homes.

If your co-parenting relationship is not strong, it may be helpful to address your concerns with a mental health professional. A parenting coordinator is advised for situations like yours.

Beyond your current visitation schedule, keep in mind that it has only been a year and a half since your divorce, and your children may still be adjusting to life as a divorced family.

Your children may need to address any struggles they may be having with you or their father more openly, or they may ultimately benefit from speaking to a child psychologist.

Making formal changes to a custody agreement can be very difficult to do unless there is a significant change in circumstances, or you and your husband are in agreement that changes are needed.

If you feel that you have tried everything and things have not improved, I recommend that you contact your attorney.

Dear Dr. Mike,

We have a 5-year-old son and a 2-year-old daughter who can be very sweet with each other. Other times our son acts very aggressively towards her, squeezing or pushing her and yelling.

When questioned, he’ll say, ‘I feel like you love her more than you love me.’ Having been extremely jealous of my own sister, I can relate.

How can I help him treat her with more kindness, feel loved, and not create the long-lasting jealousy that I felt?

Also, should we consult a counselor, and are there other books or resources you would recommend for families going through similar sibling rivalry situations? – Concerned parent.

Dear Concerned Parent,

There are benefits to having a three-year spread between siblings — while your son is at preschool you can bond with your daughter. For the first three years of his life your son has had ample exclusive time in developing his sense of self in the world. Your 2-year-old daughter has a model and mentor to learn from in her older brother.

Your 5-year-old son has been used to having you to himself, and he may feel that he is being forced to share your time, care, love, and attention with his sister, and in doing so, it appears that he is feeling less important to you.

While he is sweet sometimes, his emotional conflict likely occurs when he perceives that you do not have time for him, and frustration turns to anger and anger to aggression as a solution.

I recommend you try the following steps:

Step 1: You will want to correct your son’s behavior when he acts out with anger and aggression. Do it in a way that will increase his involvement and appreciation for his sister. Saying “no” or “go to time out” or reacting negatively to his behavior will likely validate his distorted feelings that you love his sister more than you love him, and that may worsen things.

The next time he crosses the line, separate him from everyone and sit with him for 5-10 minutes. The timeout is a consequence, but it is also an opportunity for the two of you to connect; to discuss what happened on a feeling level for your son, and to come up with ideas for how to manage those feelings better the next time.

Step 2: Speak about your son and your daughter positively in their shared presence. Your 2-year-old daughter’s vocabulary is limited, so you can be her voice with affirmative statements for your son to hear.

When your son is encouraged to share something with your daughter or when he does something nice for her on his own, you can thank him and tell him he is an awesome big brother. You will want to repeat this often, so that the two of them experience each other in a positive way.

Step 3: I also recommend actively enlisting your son as the “big boy” who helps you with his sister — singing songs to soothe her when she is upset, handing a towel to mommy after his sister’s bath, or fetching a diaper quickly for mommy when there is an urgent need. Praise him for being such a great big brother and babysitter to his sister.

A few books for you to consider for your situation are: Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, and Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate.

With structure and attention to your children’s needs, I am hopeful that your sibling rivalry problems will improve. Should your son’s problem with his sister persist, I would recommend seeing a pediatric/child psychologist for guidance and support.

Michael Oberschneider, Psy,D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be reached at 703 723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn.

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