Ask Dr. Mike

By Michael Oberschneider Psy.D.

Dr. Mike,

I think my 16 year old daughter hates me.  She’s constantly grumpy and critical about tiny things like how I breathe, chew food, or yawn or even the things I say. She demands Starbucks or Chipotle runs and calls me a horrible mom if I don’t jump immediately to do whatever she wants or needs.

On paper, she’s great kid.  She’s an A/B student, socially active, a competitive athlete, kind and giving to others, does her chores, but nothing seems good enough for her, and she puts a huge amount of pressure on herself. I feel lost, worn down, and I can’t remember our last real laugh together.

When I try to offer her support or try to help, she gets defensive and says that I don’t get her or understand her. We’ve had some big blowups lately, and I’ve snapped in anger when I’m at my wits end, which has made things worse. So, how do I manage my temper, find calm in the storm, and start rebuilding our bond without pretending the answer is in a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon?

—Overwhelmed Mom in Loudoun

Dear Overwhelmed Mom,

Parenting teens has never been easy; and these days, it can sometimes feel like trying to assemble IKEA furniture with no instructions while standing in quicksand.  And parenting in Loudoun County, where the pressures and demands on teens can be high, adds even more stress to the mix.

For teens, there’s the social maze, the academic grind, and the sports competition that arguably seems to start in diapers in Loudoun County. On top of that, so many teens now see a future full of uncertainty and stress—there’s college stress, career stress, and high costs, and those added pressures can be daunting.

As parents, it’s easy to react by answering a slammed door with a lecture, or by ping ponging snarky and sarcastic statements with your own snarky and sarcastic returns. But when both you and your teen are dysregulated, it’s like two pianos slightly out of tune; no amount of volume will make the song sound right.

So, start with a deep and mindful breath. Then take another one, and another one, and another one.  Before you respond to your daughter, inhale deeply enough to remind your nervous system who’s in charge. You can’t help her find calm if you’re standing in the center of your own storm.

Also, I recommend that you focus on self-care; self-care isn’t indulgence, it’s parenting armor. Go for that walk and call a good friend who lets you be honest without immediately giving you a TED Talk on grounding techniques.  And go easy on the wine because a buzzed heart-to-heart most often feels wiser than it actually is; your daughter could become more defensive if she thinks you’ve been drinking. 

Keep in mind that what your daughter needs most from you isn’t a motivational speech but your steady presence. She’s going through a developmentally intense time, living in an era where identity is curated, grades are weighted, and futures can feel auctioned off to whoever tolerates the most pressure. Changing brain rewiring, hormone surges, and a push for independence in our social media-saturated world, makes solidifying a solid identity in the world as a young lady even more difficult.   

And remember that relating to her doesn’t mean fixing everything or insisting you “get it” because you were once her age. It means showing up, staying curious, and remembering that your calm gives her permission to find her own.

Think of it like coaching someone through really bad turbulence from the seat beside them where you can’t fly the plane to ease their anxiety, but you can remind them it will level out eventually. So, keep your oxygen mask on, use humor where you can, and adjust to the ever changing moments—love her loudly when she needs it and gently when she needs it; that’s better than perfect advice.

In the end, what your daughter needs most from you is love, patience, space, and reassurance that her missteps and problems are survivable.  And on that less frequent occasion where she needs a hug or a shoulder to cry on, be there.  She won’t be a teenager forever, and with time and a few small shifts on your part, your connection can absolutely grow stronger again.

Dr. Mike,

My father died in December, and since then, I’ve decided to stop speaking to my sister. It took losing our father for me to finally reach this point. My sister was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at 19, and for 25 years her intense emotional swings and behaviors have deeply hurt those around her, especially me. 

What she put my father through was terrible, and I don’t think I can ever forgive her. She stopped taking her medication years ago, and she hasn’t been in therapy for over a decade. She claims, “There’s nothing wrong with me” as she acts out all over the place and exhausts anyone she meets.

I haven’t spoken to her in over a month, and honestly, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I’ve realized my sister will probably never get better, and I can’t fix her either. I’m simply exhausted. I haven’t told her yet. My other sibling agrees with me, but he isn’t ready to cut her off.

How do I tell my sister that I need space because being around her is too much for me? Am I being selfish? Is it ever right to step away from family like this?

—Exhausted Sibling in Loudoun County

Dear Exhausted Sibling,

Losing a parent is hard enough. Losing the hope for a stable relationship with a sibling at the same time is another kind of heartbreak.  Caring about someone with Borderline Personality Disorder can be both an act of love and an ongoing source of pain. You are not selfish for realizing you’ve reached your limit—you’re human.

People with BPD often struggle with overwhelming emotions and turbulent relationships. This isn’t a moral failing, but it can make closeness deeply painful for those around them. Protecting your own mental health isn’t cruel; and based on what you’ve shared, it seems necessary, especially after so many years of trying.

You have every right to set boundaries, even if that means distance or estrangement. This isn’t about punishing your sister—it’s about finally caring for yourself. If you do decide to tell her, keep it simple and focus on your own needs. 

You could say: “I care about you, but being in close contact is overwhelming for me right now” or “I need to step back to take care of myself” or “This isn’t about blame; it’s about what I can handle.”

You also don’t need to justify your decision with a list of grievances. A calm, clear statement is enough. You can call this a break or say you need space indefinitely—whatever feels most honest for you.

Expect that your sister may react with anger or pain, and that’s not an indication that you’re wrong. It simply means this is hard for her too. You can acknowledge her feelings without changing your boundary where you let her know that you hear that she’s hurting, but you still need space.

In my opinion, you are contending with two losses—the loss of your father and the loss of the relationship with your sister that you will likely never have. It’s important then to lean on your own support system during this difficult time—therapy, grief counseling, or groups for families affected by BPD may be helpful. It’s also important to let your other sibling make their own choices; you don’t have to coordinate or justify yours.

Is estrangement ever right? Sometimes, in families marked by longstanding mental illness and repeated hurt, distance is the only way to stay whole. It’s not easy, and it’s not what anyone hopes for, but sometimes it’s necessary. You are not wrong for needing relief. After 25 years of carrying this painful weight, it’s okay to finally put it down. 

Lastly, the old saying, “Never say never,” may be fitting here. It’s possible that your sister will never change and remaining estranged may be best for you, but it’s also possible that she may change in ways that you currently can’t foresee.

It seems that it’s been a very painful and difficult 25 years for you in relation to your sister; and, even though you are certain about your decisions and boundaries now, it may be wise to leave room for the possibility that your feelings or circumstances might shift in the future.

Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn.