Ask Dr. Mike

Dr Mike,

Our 18-year-old daughter who is a senior in high school, is addicted to her phone, and we don’t know what to do. The phone is always in her hand, and even though my husband and I don’t disapprove of most of what she’s doing with the phone, we also think she’s on it way too much.  We’ve tried to set limits, we’ve taken it away, we’ve talked to her, but nothing has worked. Everything we’ve tried so far has led to disagreements or really bad fights.  

Her position is that she gets great grades, she plays a team sport, she has a part-time job, she has an active social life, and she helps out around the house, so we should just leave her be. How is she going to do well in college if she’s always on her phone? Life was simpler and better when we were growing up and technology wasn’t the driving force for everything. Your help is appreciated.

– Worried Parents in Loudoun

Dear Worried parents in Loudoun,

Based on what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem that your daughter is addicted to her smartphone.  Perhaps she uses it compulsively at times, but I’m not so sure her phone use merits serious changes or parental intervention. If your daughter does well academically, has a part-time job, plays a team sport, has a solid social life, and helps out around the house, then she is arguably succeeding and she seems to have achieved impressive balance in her life.  

I encourage you to reflect on the ways in which your own biases or beliefs may be impacting your negative opinion of your daughter’s phone use. Is it possible that her phone use worries you because of your own discomfort with technology? 

Every generation is proud of their time, and it’s common to romanticize our childhoods, but to believe that life was better when technology was less available or less pervasive probably isn’t completely accurate. Smartphones also allow us to do so much. 

You need to give your daughter the space she needs to figure out her relationship with technology. You write that you’re worried she will not do well in college if she’s always on her phone, but you also write that she’s on her phone too much for your comfort level now and doing well. 

Senior year of high school is the perfect time for you to afford your daughter with age-appropriate opportunities to increase her independence and autonomy in the world in preparation for college life.       

I also recommend that you have a conversation about this topic. Make the focus of the conversation on your concerns and not your position. It’s not that your daughter’s wrong and you’re right, it’s more about talking things out and getting to a better place.  Letting your daughter know that you will work on respecting how she chooses to engage with technology, and asking her to respect your basic parental expectations, is a fine compromise. 

If your daughter’s phone use continues to be a problem for you, I recommend that you seek out the help of a family therapist. 

Dr. Mike,

My husband and I have done very well financially. Neither of us came from money or inherited anything substantial, but we’ve worked hard and have acquired quite a bit of wealth. We live in a $12,000,000 house, and we have other properties, several businesses and a large amount of money saved and invested. 

My husband is adamant that we should not leave a dime to our kids, and he believes they should instead work for everything, like we did. While I agree with him that our children need to find their own way in life, I also don’t think it’s a terrible thing to help your adult kids or to leave them an inheritance if you can. 

Our financial advisor agrees with me, and he pointed out in our last meeting several very reasonable ways we can leave our adult children money without making their lives too easy. My husband became so upset in that meeting that he stormed out and threatened to divorce me if I didn’t side with him to leave our children absolutely nothing. 

I was humiliated, and am confused about so much, including my marriage. What’s so bad about leaving our adult children our money once we’ve passed? Isn’t that what loving parents do if they’re able to? 

What’s crazy is that we have great kids whom we haven’t spoiled and who work hard and are caring to others. They go to public school and do well. They drive used average cars, and have jobs. They attend church and volunteer. Our oldest son just got accepted to a top university based solely off of his hard work and grades.  

I don’t want a divorce, but it seems this is the hill my husband wants our marriage to die on if I don’t fully comply with him.  Please help. 

– Upset in Loudoun

Dear Upset in Loudoun,

While it’s admirable that your husband wants your children to make their own way in life, his extreme position to leave them absolutely nothing and to threaten divorce if you defy him, is concerning. 

Money means different things to people, and achieving wealth is determined by a myriad of factors – intelligence, overcoming a difficult upbringing or adversities, talent, ego, status, luck, opportunities, etc. It’s not clear to me what personal wealth means to your husband, but based on what you’ve shared, I assume his relationship with money is complex.  

I encourage you to talk to your husband with an open mind and loving heart to gain a greater understanding of why he feels the way he does. What are his absolutes about inheritance and divorce all about?  Who does he plan on leaving the money to if none of your children receive anything? I imagine that there’s much more to his views, and I hope he’s able to openly discuss things with you. It’s possible that your husband is just very anxious about ruining or spoiling your children and their drive to be productive and successful in life.  

Perhaps he has other and deeper emotional conflicts about the topic that have more to do with him. However, if the conversation doesn’t bring you closer together regarding the topic, I would recommend scheduling a consultation with a couple’s therapy.  

Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn.