What is Phubbing and is it impacting your relationships?

By Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D.

Do you often mindlessly scroll through your Facebook page when visiting with friends or family?  How about checking Instagram at the dinner table?  Is watching YouTube, while in the company of others, common practice for you?  Does TikTok captivate your attention when you’re socializing?  

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’re phubbing.  Phubbing is a portmanteau of phone and snubbing, and it involves ignoring someone you’re with in favor of your phone or a device. The term was coined by a group of Australian marketing and language experts in 2012.

Just to be clear, all of us are guilty of checking our phones from time to time when around others, but phubbing is an extreme behavior that negatively impacts relationships.  Those who phub always have or hold their phones, check their phones frequently when in the presence of others, halfheartedly connect with others in person as they’re texting someone or engaging with social media or the internet and rarely separate from their phones.  

Persistent phubbing is harmful to relationships in several ways.  It diminishes the quality of your communication with others, it leads to an emotional disconnect with others, and it can make others feel excluded, disrespected, unimportant, rejected, and jealous.  

One research study on phubbing revealed that it can lead to problems with intimacy and marital satisfaction.  In another study, 46 percent of participants reported being phubbed by their partner, and over 22 percent reported that phubbing had caused conflicts in their relationships.  

Phubbing can also impact one’s mental health over time.  In the latter mentioned study, almost 37 percent of participants reported feeling depressed due to phubbing.  Other research has found that smartphone addiction, internet addiction, lack of self-control and discipline and fear of missing out, are the main predictors of phubbing.

And phubbing impacts everyone— from grandparents to young children. Disregarding others you’re with for a phone or device has become commonplace for many people, and when the behavior is bad enough, it sadly doesn’t just harm relationships, it can shut down important bonds and moments.

So, how do you stop phubbing? 

Acknowledge.  Acknowledge that you have a problem.  This may be difficult to do since phubbing feels good to the person who’s doing it.  Perhaps asking your loved ones and friends if they think you engage in phubbing behavior too frequently could be helpful.  Have an open mind when listening to what you’re told.

Communicate.  Communicating with others can also be helpful since the problem likely won’t be easy to correct.  Perhaps you can work on the problem with your kids or your spouse; addressing your phubbing behavior together will likely increase your accountability and commitment to change.

Roadmap it.  Come up with a game plan or roadmap to determine screen free times (e.g., meals, short car rides, gathering with friends or family, etc.).

Leave your phone behind.  Not having your phone or device with you will likely help with temptation. So, if you’re going on a date with your partner, leave the phone in the glove compartment of the car, or if you’re having family or friends over, place your phone or device in a room away from where you’re gathering. 

Challenge yourself.  Come up with challenges that serve to distance you from your phone or device.  If you always check your phone when you wake up first thing in the morning, try to delay when you pick it up. Perhaps you can focus instead on connecting with your partner or kids over coffee or breakfast before you turn to technology. Maybe put your phone in a desk drawer at work or leave it in your bedroom when you return home from work. How often do you really need to check your phone or device while at work or in the evening at home, especially if you’re engaging in real time with others?     

Practice active listening.  When you’re phubbing, you’re engaging in passive listening with the person or people around you as you text others, peruse social media or surf the web.  Without your phone or device, you will likely become a much better listener.  Not jumping in to comment, judge or fix a statement during a conversation or listening without interrupting or judgment might seem like an easy thing to do, but if you engage in phubbing behavior a lot, it may take some real effort and patience to become a more active listener.

Lastly, children learn a lot from observing their parents, so parents have the additional task to model responsible and healthy technology use.  If you don’t want your children to become preoccupied with technology or screens, or phubbers themselves, having a balanced approach to technology use is essential.    

Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn.