$672,078.82

By Charlie Houston

Nope, that’s not the cost of three new Loudoun County high schools (which would be more than that.) It’s not County spending for six weeks. Nope, IT’s MINE. Yep, it’s all mine. Thank you, Mega Millions. Charlie Houston won!

While the prize was broadcast at $1.5 billion, that’s not how it works.  I took my winnings as a lump-sum payment, which is substantially less than the aggregate of payments over a number of years. The lottery then withheld taxes on that lump sum. Still, I pocket a lot of money and dream about spending it

Unfortunately, all of this was a fantasy that appeared during my deepest sleep and lingered during an hour or so of half-sleep. I don’t even play MegaMillions. 

By the time my feet were on the floor and I was heading to the shower, I knew my winnings were not real. No matter. How about an imaginary spending spree?  

Art

I lust for fine art and with now-deep pockets I’d amass a fine collection of paintings.  These days paintings can command stratospheric prices but art can be a good investment, so I’d indulge my hankerings with $72, 078 million, leaving me with a nice round $600 mill. 

Time for a Pause

Before I get carried away, I’ll get professional advice and invest half that remainder, or $300 million. I’ll sleep well. Then I’d gleefully deploy the rest of the money, also $300 million.

A Viennese Pied a Terre

What a great city! A very nice flat might set me back about $5 million. Add another $2 million for furnishings and art. Vienna is also a great base from which to explore Europe. We’d need wheels, maybe a mid-sized BMW for longer trips and a Porsche for exploring the Alpine areas. I could happily dream tonight about a transatlantic collection of cars.  

A Castle is a Man’s Home

Not literally a castle. We’d hire a good architect and build a custom home about two-thirds the size of western Loudoun’s larger McMansions. It would be of a first-class quality, such as huge panoramic windows facing a splendid view. 

But where would it be? Drive Skyline Drive, stop at any overlook and you’ll see the Shenandoah Valley spreading out before you, with the Alleghany Mountains as a backdrop. Ethereal. I want that view.

Loudoun’s Unfortunate Changes: Should We Move? 

This is tough. We’ve lived here for a long time, have a lot of friends and have spent countless days engaged in civic work, usually focused on protecting the rural character of western Loudoun. When I moved here it was wonderful—mostly farms, horses everywhere, manageable traffic, peace and quiet, dark skies, neighborly people and reasonable taxes. 

We would hate to leave Loudoun but all of those things are gone, crowded out by commercialization, dense subdivisions everywhere, event centers and the politically-powerful alcohol industry. We will tough it out for now, but it’s a topic I’m sure many people in the west are asking themselves as our rural character erodes from crowds, traffic, noise…and worries about water. 

It’s that last group that really tees me off. On May 4, the Board of Supervisors gave a green light to the spirits businesses to operate as they please, with almost no meaningful limits on things like sizes of parties, hours of operation, exterior lighting and loud amplified music—seven days a week. The alcohol purveyors were there in full force; it seemed that fewer citizens spoke. 

Supervisor Kershner seemed eager to grant what the liquor people demanded. Caleb’s always been friendly and claims an agricultural background. He just doesn’t vote that way.

Location, Location, Location

My MegaMillions jackpot wasn’t real, but I’ll continue to imagine with how I might use the remaining $300 million. I’d look into buying every bit of private land on the eastern slopes of the Blue Ridge and putting it all into conservation easements that would protect the mountain forever. Nice thought, but probably costing more money than my fantasy says that I have. 

A road runs along the mountain’s crest north or Route 9, meandering between Loudoun and Clark counties and between Virginia and West Virginia. What a great place for our dream house!   I’ll bend reality and state that there’d be enough almost-flat land for horses and barns.

A hundred acres might be enough. About twenty acres of it would be in Loudoun, the remainder in Clarke County or in West Virginia—nice places with low taxes and a disinclination to mess with you. That’s where the main residence would be, while a guest cottage would be in the small Loudoun portion. We’d use the cottage to keep our voting registration in Loudoun. 

Which Brings Us to Politics

I’d hire two experts. First would be someone who’d help recruit electable candidates in Loudoun: Charismatic, energetic moderates who are committed to conservation and to fiscally responsible County spending. The second consultant would be an election specialist to run the campaigns. If it looked possible to elect a new Board (with one exception—Laura Tekrony,) I’d make unprecedented campaign contributions. 

I’d do the same with the out-of-control School Board, which consumes the largest share of the County budget. A majority of its members really need to go. I’d demand that the new commonsense Board uses chainsaws and axes to cut spending and fire most of the main-office bureaucrats.

A Big Yellow Bulldozer

There should be enough money left for me to buy out a number of breweries, any “limited distilleries” and some event centers. I might be able to convert a few into residences. For the rest, I’d get a sitework contractor show up with a huge Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer and scrape the wretched establishments off the face of the earth. 

Charlie Houston and his wife live on a historic farm on a scenic road south of Waterford. His dreams are usually fantasies. In some cases he wishes they were real.