A Lifelong Search

By Samuel Moore-Sobel

“I told myself, even if a picture was all I ever found, I’d be happy for the rest of my life” Kevin Barhydt writes in his memoir, Dear Stephen Michael’s Mother.

Rarely has a story gripped me as much as this one. I devoured the book in just a few days, taking in every word of this incredible tale.

“I was adopted in 1962 in Schenectady,” the author writes. Near the beginning of the book, Barhydt and his family return to Schenectady from Brooklyn. One gets the sense that it was not an easy move. “Leaving Brooklyn knocked the wind out of us all …” he writes. Yet it seems fitting that Barhydt returned home after many years away—he is still searching for a piece of his identity that has eluded him for so long. Specifically, he is looking for his biological mother.

“I needed to know my real name,” Barhydt writes.

Barhydt’s search was far from easy. Obstacles abounded as he attempted to extract information from Catholic Services about his biological mother. What sustains him during his search is a desire to know his birth mother. Barhydt wrote a letter to his mother, starting with the simple words, “My name is Kevin. I am writing with the hope that we might know each other.”

Regardless of the reason for giving a child up for adoption, it seems unavoidable that the child is left with a sense of rejection. This rejection is present throughout Barhydt’s story, but this is just one of many scars that Barhydt carries. He is a survivor of child sexual abuse. He spent time in the foster care system. His struggles with addiction began at an early age and continued into adulthood. He writes about his obsession with stealing and his addiction to drugs and alcohol.

When he was 17 years old, Barhydt joined the Navy and got married shortly afterward at 18 years old. Barhydt’s turbulent and abusive relationship with his first wife, Nessie, comes to an end (which he writes about in unflinching detail). Barhydt’s military career came to an end, too, when he was discharged for “burden to command due to substandard performance or inability to adapt to military service.”

Barhydt continues struggling to find his way. He serves time in jail, sinks deeper into addiction, and loses more and more of himself to the pain. Some of the passages are gruesome as he describes the symptoms of his addictive drug use. Yet just when it feels hopeless, Barhydt pulls himself out of the abyss. The story takes a triumphant turn: Barhydt overcomes the addiction that once controlled him.  

His feelings toward his biological mother are understandably complicated. “She had abandoned me. Nothing could ever change that fact. I would always be a living reminder of what was left behind,” he writes. It is a heavy burden to carry. But his love for his mother is also indisputable. “I miss her, and I know she missed me, still misses me,” he tells his half-brother in the book’s waning chapters.

Barhydt does eventually meet his half siblings, and gains far more than he ever could have imagined. Does Barhydt ever meet his mother? You’ll have to read the book to find out. 

As for his given name, the title of this book reveals it all. In a letter to Barhydt’s adoptive mother, Barhydt’s biological mother reveals that she had named him Stephen Michael. “As you see I’ve named your child after St. Stephen, to give him courage, and St. Michael, to protect him.” Considering how the author’s story unfolded, it seems to me that she could not have picked a more fitting name for her son. 

Samuel Moore-Sobel is the author of Can You See My Scars? His book is available on Amazon. To read more of his work, visit www.samuelmoore-sobel.com Kevin Barhydt is the author of Dear Stephen Michael’s Mother. His book is available on Amazon. To read more of his work, visit https://kevinbarhydt.com/.