Longing for a parent’s love

All a child really wants is to be loved by their parents. Unfortunately, sometimes that love remains just out of reach. 

“Steve doesn’t love me,” Lisa Brennan-Jobs tells her mother as a teenager. Lisa is Steve Jobs’ oldest child, and she writes about her heartbreaking experience as his daughter in the New York Times bestseller, Small Fry.  

I first learned of Steve Jobs’ treatment of his eldest daughter, Lisa, when watching the film Steve Jobs several years ago. It left me wondering how a parent could treat their child in such a cruel and heartless way. My question remains after reading Small Fry. 

Lisa includes the well-known parts of her story in the book. Her parents met in high school and entered a tumultuous, multi-year relationship that ended when Lisa’s mother, Chrisann, became pregnant. Jobs famously denied paternity for years after Chrisann’s pregnancy, even going as far as telling a reporter in a 1982 interview with Time, “28% of the male population of the United States could be the father.” 

Jobs appeared only rarely in Lisa’s life during her early years; and, when he did, it was mostly on his own terms. “Later my mother said that it was the dips in his worldly success that made him come and find us,” Brennan-Jobs writes. Her father found bizarre ways to put her down – including repeated denials that the Lisa, a computer he had designed, was not named for his daughter. “Nope, sorry kid,” he told her, after the first time she asked him. 

There are other disturbing tales, like the time he told Lisa when she was a child to not expect an inheritance. “You’re not getting anything. You understand? Nothing,” Jobs had said.

Yet despite her father’s cruelty, Lisa could not help but love him. She reveals a journal entry from her childhood where she had written, in reference to Jobs, “I love him! I love him! I love him!” And it’s clear throughout the book that she does, despite his emotionally abusive behavior.  

Moments of tenderness are evident throughout the story. When Lisa was a teenager, she moved in with her father and stepmother, Laurene. She writes of an instance when she retreated to her room after accidentally breaking a glass. Jobs found her and said, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, you know, when you were younger.” Brennan-Jobs undoubtedly had complicated feelings about her father. It’s hard not to have complicated feelings toward someone when they have the capacity to be both cruel and kind.  

Overall, Jobs’ behavior towards his daughter was consistently abhorrent. Brennan-Jobs reveals possible explanations throughout the book, such as during a counseling session when Laurene offers (in reference to both herself and Jobs), “We’re just cold people.” This struck me as a bit of a cop-out. Wouldn’t Laurene and Jobs want to attempt to change their behavior, once they found out it was hurting Lisa?

At birth, Steve Jobs was given up for adoption. Was it possible that he was simply treating his daughter the way he had been treated: as someone to leave? At one point during Brennan-Jobs college experience, she sees a therapist who makes the astute observation that possibly, her father would realize the truth eventually. “He’ll go away, and then maybe someday he’ll realize that he did the same thing to you that was done to him.”

This makes me think of the common phrase, “Hurt people hurt people.” Hurting parents are not immune from hurting their children. The results can be devastating. Hurting children can carry that pain into adulthood, and eventually, repeat the same patterns with their own children. This can lead to patterns of generational unhealth within families. It takes intentional work to avoid repeating these patterns. 

The tragedy of Steve Jobs is that he missed out on what could have been a beautiful and fulfilling relationship with his eldest daughter. He seemed to only realize what he’d lost as he faced death. “I’m sorry, Lis,” he told his daughter, not long before he passed away from pancreatic cancer at the age of 56. “I wish I could go back. I wish I could change it. But it’s too late.” 

This is a cautionary tale for the rest of us. I recently read that the average life expectancy in Loudoun County is approximately 83 years. There is no guarantee that any of us will reach that age. But even so, my guess is that 83 years passes quickly. We only have a limited time to make an impact, to love those around us, and to leave a meaningful legacy.

Samuel Moore-Sobel is the author of “Can You See My Scars?” His book is available on Amazon. To read more of his work, visit www.samuelmoore-sobel.com