Ask Dr. Mike

By Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D.

Dr. Mike:

Our 16-year-old son is having a really hard time academically. He gets the occasional A, a lot of B’s and some C’s, and he doesn’t apply himself at all. His grades are all over the place, and we never see him doing homework. With grade inflation within LCPS, we’re worried that he’s not learning, and he’s just being pushed through. 

He also misses quizzes and assignments, or he turns things in late. He does well socially and he’s a great athlete, but his head is in the clouds when it comes to school.  

All of this started before COVID, but it’s gotten a lot worse during and after the pandemic, especially when the school system went to full time virtual learning. I truly don’t think our son has read a book from cover to cover since 7th grade, which is obviously concerning for us.  

My husband thinks our son just needs to be pushed harder with consequences, but I’m worried that he has ADD, a learning problem, or depression or anxiety. Taking his phone or the car away isn’t going to do anything if he has a larger underlying problem, right?  What are your thoughts. 

–  Concerned Parent

Concerned Parent: 

I appreciate your situation, and please know that you’re not alone. As a child psychologist in private practice, I see child and teen boys and girls going through what your son is going through daily. To fix things you’re going to need to be more proactively involved since your son likely isn’t going to address things on his own.  

Figuring out if your son’s academic problems are due to something within his control or something beyond his control – ADD, emotional struggles or a learning problem – is essential, and the best way to determine that, is to increase structure.  

Reviewing ParentVUE daily, sitting down and reviewing schoolwork across your son’s academic subjects daily, getting a tutor for his weaker subject areas, having him email and meet or check in with his teachers, are several ways to help him prioritize his academics.  

I also recommend you incentive your son with a reward system for effort and better grades. You could pay him cash for hard work and grades, or if you don’t want to do that, you could reward him with something he wants if his output and grades improve. I would stay away from consequences since you currently don’t know if his academic struggles are completely within his control or not.    

If, after a reasonable period of time, your son’s academics don’t improve with structured and consistently practiced interventions, his learning and academic struggles may be due to a larger underlying problem.  

The next step would then be to have your son formally evaluated; a neuropsychological evaluation, comprised of standardized and objective measures, will identify possible diagnoses such as AD(H)D or executive functioning problems, a learning disorder or psychological conditions.  Many parents are surprised by the amount of information neuropsychological testing can provide.

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Dr. Mike:

Our 5th grade 11-year-old daughter is having a terrible time at school this year because she’s being pushed out of her longtime friend group. There wasn’t an incident as far as we know, but she doesn’t get invited to play and hang out much, she’s not invited to many birthday parties. She’s being put down or left out on social media.  

We’ve had many a tearful night, and our daughter is now wanting to transfer schools.  She basically goes to school unhappy and comes home unhappy. She spends a lot of time in her room. She barely left the house last weekend, and we’re worried that she’s depressed.  

We’ve done a little parental research on her phone, and it seems that there are a couple of strong personalities in the friend group that are driving a wedge between the girls as a group and our daughter. It’s also apparent to us that the interests of the girls are changing with some of the girls being focused on boys and make-up. Our daughter is still a young 11-year-old and not into those topics yet. Help! 

– Worried Parent

Worried Parent:

As parents, watching our children struggle socially can be heart breaking, especially when it seems that there’s not much we can do to help.  There are, however, several things you can do to address the problem. I would start by reaching out to your daughter’s teacher. They are pretty good at knowing what’s going on with their students socially, and they’re also usually quick to pick up on bullying, teasing or the sort of hurtful changing friendship dynamic that you’ve described.  

Your daughter’s teacher will likely have some good ideas to improve things for her. Her teacher or the school counselor could help to find opportunities for meaningful peer-to-peer interactions, projects and activities as a good start for your daughter and the involved girls.  

You can also reach out to the parents of your daughter’s friends to let them know what is going on since they may not know how bad things are for your daughter or how she’s being pushed out by the girls. Perhaps the moms and/or dads can plan a few fun gatherings for the girls to smooth things over.

It’s important to push your daughter to do more during this difficult time. By sitting in her room after school and/or by not leaving the house much over the weekend, your daughter is just ruminating about what’s hurting her, which is only going to make her feel worse. Participating in a club or group activity, or joining a team sport could serve to get her socially confident again.  

You write that your daughter may be depressed, so I think it’s important to check in with her. By talking to her about her thoughts and feelings, you will be able to gauge where she is emotionally and how bad things are for her. 

Having her see a child therapist – even for a wellness check for a session or two – might be a good idea. Therapy will provide her with a safe place to process her feelings while learning more adaptive strategies and coping skills.    

Transferring schools is always an option, but one I wouldn’t exercise until you’ve exhausted your efforts to correct things. It’s possible that the current social dynamic is too much for your daughter to handle at her current school, but it’s also possible that things will improve with effort and time.

Remember, we can’t rescue our children from their problems, but it’s our job to help them to find solutions when they struggle. I’m hopeful that your daughter will get to a better place with her longtime besties, or find joy in the new friendships she will form.  

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Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza Suite 240, Ashburn.