Ask Dr. Mike

Dr. Mike,

Our sons are 17 and 12, and it’s already been a rough start to the school year. I thought we did well as parents with back-to-school shopping and with trying to get them back into a routine this year, but obviously not since they’re still staying up too late, and are on their screens all the time. Our older boy has already missed the bus and our other son has already forgotten his lunch.  When my husband and I asked them both about homework, they said there isn’t any. 

Last year was also a hard year for us. All we did was fight with our kids about staying on top of things. We want to remain positive about this school year, but it’s already tense and stressful.

Why don’t the other neighborhood kids have the problems we seem to have with academics, with not getting to school on time, with not doing or turning in work, with not caring, and with being on screens too much? We could use some parenting advice. 

– Upset in Loudoun

Dear Upset in Loudoun,

While the adjustment back to school is easier for some parents and kids than it is for others, what you’re describing is not that uncommon. Based on what you’ve written, it’s not entirely clear why your children struggle at school, and there are a myriad of possibilities – perhaps your children have learning or social struggles, perhaps your children have emotional struggles, perhaps the school changes and impact of COVID-19 over the past two school years has been difficult for them, or perhaps they need more structure and guidance from you.

Not knowing what’s causing the problem, a good place to start would be to increase your involvement; so helping them to do better is the right thing to do. To avoid another year of fighting, I recommend the following: As parents, I recommend you discuss your concerns and expectations with one another fully before speaking to your kids. Be in full agreement on what you expect from them both this school year; being unified with clear and reasonable expectations is advised.  Rather than just focusing on academics and school, I think your expectations should serve to facilitate balance and success across the important areas of their life – academics and schooling, as well as family, social, and leisure time.     

Then I recommend you sit down with your kids to discuss things. There’s strength in remaining calm, so be aware of your triggers and your tone when meeting.

I often tell parents to approach this sort of conversation much like a state trooper would approach someone they just pulled over. State troopers don’t need to yell or become overly emotional; they are calm and firm in their delivery, and folks respect their legitimate authority when dealing with them. I would review the ways in which you’d like your kids to manage all of the important areas of their lives, and the more specific you can be, the better.  

I recommend you give your kids a voice in the discussion, and you want your kids to co-create the game plan with you to increase their buy-in and further foster their agency and independence.  

Regarding organization, I recommend you break the day down into two parts – a morning routine and an afternoon/evening routine during the school week—where they have specific responsibilities for themselves. 

At 17 and 12, independently getting up and ready, having breakfast, making lunch, getting their backpacks together are a few morning routine items to consider.  For the afternoon/evening routine, getting outdoors and/or socializing with friends, being part of an activity, getting homework done, eating dinner as a family are a some of the things to consider. 

Every family is unique, but research has consistently shown that children benefit from structure, and from being involved in sports and/or after school enrichment activities. Students who are more engaged in these ways tend to have higher GPAs and do better later in life.    

The best ideas typically don’t amount to much without a game plan and follow-through.  Thus, implementing some form of structure to drive consistency and accountability will be helpful. I’m a huge fan of visual aids, and research supports that kids do better when they have a visual guide, or roadmap with near-and long-term goals.

You could white board their routines, however, at these ages, I’d recommend using an on-line calendar. With on-line calendars, your kids can color code their responsibilities, and even set reminders to make sure they’re getting things done on time.

I recommend you take the dinner before dessert, approach to leisure time with technology. Just as you wouldn’t allow your kids to eat a bowl of ice-cream before finishing their spaghetti and meatballs, the fun they enjoy with screens should occur after they complete their work.

As long as you are reasonable and consistent with your expectations, things should improve. You might share the control with them on how they manage balanced screen time.

Also, if after a reasonable period of time your kids are still struggling with their academics and schooling, I recommend that you reach out to their teachers to discuss additional steps.

Perhaps your kids have learning struggles that are not within their control; thus, they may benefit from tutoring or from working more closely with their teachers in certain subject areas, or they may benefit from private educational or psychological testing to see if there is a larger issue. 

Children and teens with learning disorders, ADD/ADHD or emotional problems struggle more than their peers academically, and often these sorts of problems can go undetected by parents and teachers for years.

I hope these tips are helpful and I’m hopeful that with increased involvement, structure and accountability your kids’ will have a great school year.

Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn.