Ask Dr. Mike

By Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D.

Dr. Mike,

Our 18-year-old daughter went off to JMU for freshman year this fall. She’s doing well academically and socially, but she’s upset with us for being “controlling” and for “micromanaging” her. 

My husband and I told her that we would be keeping Life360 on her phone to monitor her whereabouts on campus for her first year away. We told her that if she demonstrated maturity in making good choices, and if she gets good grades, we will then remove ourselves from Life360 for her sophomore year and after.  

She’s always been a great kid, but we just don’t trust that she’s mature enough to manage things there without our help. We’ve had a few big fights over this topic already when we’ve shared with her that we saw on the phone that she’s not where she said she would be. If you tell us you’re staying in the dorm to study with friends, but then we see that you went to a party at a fraternity, that doesn’t work for us. We think we’re being reasonable, and your advice on what to do is appreciated. 

—Help In Loudoun

Dear Help in Loudoun,

In reading your message, I’m reminded of the old saying, “One’s perception is one’s reality.” Life360 reassures you that your daughter is safe and is being responsible, and that likely serves to give you a greater sense of security. Your daughter feels controlled in that she finds your monitoring to be overbearing.   

There are times when parental monitoring for college students may be appropriate—perhaps when a teen has repeatedly lied to their parents and there’s diminished trust, or when a teen has very poor grades and needs increased structure and accountability, or when a teen has made poor choices. Your situation doesn’t appear to require your involvement in this way. Your daughter is doing well both academically and socially and she has always been a great kid. So what are you so concerned about?

At 18 years of age, your daughter has aged out of childhood and has entered young adulthood.  Thus, she is at a phase of her development where you as parents need to support her independence and autonomy, within reason, and her right to privacy is a big part of that. 

I ask that you keep in mind that making poor choices is also a part of learning and growing up. So, if she goes to a party, for example, you need to trust that she’s done her work and that it’s fine for her to be there.  

You also need to trust that she will manage herself fine at the party. It’s also possible though that she may go to a party when she should be studying, and she may then do badly on a test the next day. Or she may drink alcohol at a party and become sick. In my opinion, these sorts of life lessons are for her to experience and to learn from and are not for you to prevent or to protect her from.  

If you continue to use Life360 in this way, you will probably end up driving the current wedge of disagreement and upset between her and you wider, and you also run the risk of stunting her growth. Moreover, the risk of her lying to you or deceiving you will likely also increase over time as she may cleverly seek to find ways around Life360 to get away from your monitoring.  

For many parents, anxiety can increase when children leave home for college. I think you and your husband should consider entering therapy to discuss your concerns and to understand your motivations for staying connected to your daughter in this way while she is at college. By talking through your thoughts and feelings on the topic with a parenting expert, and by trusting and communicating more with your daughter, my hope is that you can get to a place where you no longer need to rely on Life360 in this way.  

Dr. Mike,

I know you do a lot of divorce work as a custody evaluator, and we’re struggling as a family and could use some guidance. We went through a very contentious and nasty separation and divorce five years ago. I have full physical and legal custody of both of our children. The children have a visitation schedule with their father. My ex-husband remarried nine months ago, and my children truly hate their stepmother. 

She’s 23 years younger than my ex-husband, which has been very awkward for our teenage son and daughter. She’s self-absorbed and doesn’t care about my children at all. She also doesn’t have kids of her own and is kind of a big kid herself. When the kids are over at my ex’s house, she and my ex just do what they want to do and don’t really include my kids or ever plan anything with them. 

My children have refused to go for their visits with my ex for three weeks now, and my ex is mad at me and has even threatened to take me back to court. I have pleaded with my kids to go, but I can’t force a 17-year-old and 15-year- old into my car. What do you recommend? 

—Upset in Loudoun

Dear Upset in Loudoun,

Your situation is more common than you think where children and teens go through an adjustment phase when a parent remarries. Moreover, the stepparent and child/teen match isn’t always great, which can add to problems. For your son and daughter, it seems they have three problems to contend with—their stepmother’s style and behavior in relation to them, their stepmother’s significant age difference with their father and the disconnect they are now experiencing with their father as a result.    

While I would need more information to offer you more specific recommendations, I invite you to think about the following ideas. You could speak to your ex-husband openly about your concerns if your co-parenting relationship with him is good enough to do that. The two of you could try to come up with some ideas to better support visitation for your children at your ex-husband’s house.  

You could also suggest to your ex-husband that the two of you sit down to talk with your son and daughter together. Another option would be for your husband and you to see a family therapist who specializes in parenting and divorce. That professional could also meet with your son and daughter to improve things. The therapist could also eventually meet with your son and daughter and their stepmother to address their relationship problems.  

I am sorry your family is going through this, and I hope things get to a better place with better communication and the right kind of support and structure.

Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike“is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn.