Ask Dr. Mike

Dr. Mike,

I recently reentered the dating world after a painful divorce last year, and I met a great guy who I’ll refer to here as “Jack.” We have been on several wonderful dates, and I think there could be something special for us together. We’re compatible in so many ways – we’re in similar professions, we both have adult children, and we have many of the same interests and values.  

I recently had dinner at Jack’s house, and when we were cooking, I saw a prescription in his name for Lithium on the countertop. I’m assuming he has Bipolar, which raises lots of red flags for me, given my divorce from a man who was emotionally unstable.  

While Jack seems to be a great guy in so many ways, I don’t want to be in another serious and complicated relationship that ends up hurting me and my kids.  I think Bipolar is a deal breaker, but maybe I’m overreacting.  Your advice is appreciated. 

– Dating Worries in Loudoun

Dear Dating Worries in Loudoun,

You write that you met a great guy but are then questioning how great he is because he’s taking a medication prescribed to people who have Bipolar Affective Disorder.  Certainly, Bipolar Disorder is a serious mental health condition, however, with proper treatment and management, people with the condition can have very fulfilling and healthy relationships.

In my opinion, you have three options. First, you could let Jack know that you noticed the medication while cooking and then the two of you could talk openly about the topic. Second, you could continue to go on more dates and eventually address serious life topics with him as you get closer. Third, you could leave the budding relationship abruptly, but you may regret the move later since things are going so well.

If you learn that Jack indeed does have Bipolar Disorder, I recommend that you listen closely to what he says and ask good follow-up questions. When was he diagnosed with the condition?  How has it impacted his relationships and life in the past? How well and how consistently does he manage the condition? 

If additional red flags go up for you or you worry that you may be entering into an unhealthy relationship, perhaps it’s best to stop things. Or, maybe you leave the conversation more confident to continue to date.      

Ultimately, the decision to continue to date Jack or to break up with him is entirely yours to make.  How you feel about him, how things are going, what you learn about his mental health, are the main factors you will need to consider in determining next steps.  

Given that you divorced someone with emotional struggles, it’s understandable that you’re struggling with what to do next. Trusting your instincts, communicating openly, and prioritizing your well-being, and your children’s, are good things to consider.

Dr. Mike,

Our 8-year-old son was diagnosed with ADHD last year by a child psychiatrist, and while medications were recommended at the time, we declined. We’re not big on psych medication, so we tried everything first. We tried ADHD coaching, exercise options, better diet and nutrition and yoga but nothing has worked.  

My husband and I (and my son’s teacher) all agree that it’s time to try medications. His teacher recently told us that our son is so hyper, impulsive, and inattentive at school, and it’s hurting him socially. Other kids at school often avoid him. 

The problem is that our son is refusing to take medication, and we don’t know what to do. We returned to the child psychiatrist and have a new prescription, but our son isn’t budging. We’ve had lots of fights and meltdowns. How do you get an 8-year-old to take medication he needs? 

– Upset Parents in Loudoun

Dear Upset Parents in Loudoun,

It’s not uncommon for children to resist taking medication; some children are afraid of swallowing pills, while others worry about the stigma, or the effect the medication will have on them and their loss of control. It’s not entirely clear to me why your son is so against medication. My guess is that he is confused, scared and/or anxious.   

To ger your son to cooperate, he needs to understand how important medication is at this juncture. I recommend you sit down and talk to him about all the reasons why you and your husband think he should be on ADHD medication and how that medication could help him to do better. Approach the conversation with sensitivity to his feelings, rather than from a place of position that he must take the medications.  

At 8, breaking your ideas down and using examples would likely be helpful. You could point out to him that everyone’s brain is wired differently and that we all have strengths and challenges.  Regarding his hyperactivity, you could mention that he has trouble sitting still and all the ways that this impacts him negatively. 

You could explain to him that his brain is like an engine that goes too fast sometimes with brakes that aren’t able to stop him. Let him know that the medication will help his brakes work better, which will in turn help him to behave better and to feel and do better. You could use age-appropriate examples for his inattention and impulsivity, with the end goal of getting him to understand the importance of medications. 

Helping your son to feel a sense of agency with the medication is also advised. You could ask him to track and journal how he does academically, socially and behaviorally each day while on the medication. Having him write things down and then reviewing his week and progress could serve to give him a greater sense of legitimate control and empowerment.  

If your son remains unwilling to take medication with your efforts and guidance, I recommend you schedule a meeting with your son’s teacher and other involved school staff, so that they can review their concerns with you altogether.  

Having your son see a child psychologist may also be helpful. Keep in mind that ADHD is a very treatable condition, and while your son is resistant to help now, my hope is that he will get on board with the right kind of care and support.  

Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza Suite 240, Ashburn.