Ask Dr. Mike

By Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D.

There are several reasons why New Year’s Resolutions fail – the resolutions are too vague or grand, the approach lacks planning, structure and accountability, and essential things are missing. 

What can you do differently this year to maximize your success?  I recommend that you try focusing on how you think about yourself in relation to a given goal over the actual desired results you’re wanting to achieve. 

If you really want to change something meaningful about yourself, the best place to start is with creating a winning mindset. Being more consciously aware of your thought processes in an area you’d like to improve on can lead to improved feelings and more productive behaviors and outcomes.  

Here are a few tips to consider:

Make sure you’re ready to change: Sure, you might say to others that you want to lose 20 pounds, or drink less, or have greater work and personal life balance, but if you’re not ready to change, your efforts will likely not last.  

Research has consistently shown that alcoholics, for example, maintain absolute sobriety the longest only after they’ve hit a personal bottom. It doesn’t matter how many close friends or family members tell them that they have a problem. Until that individual realizes that fully, sobriety often remains out of reach. 

You will be in a great place for change to happen when you are both intellectually and emotionally ready. 

Identify and reframe your limiting beliefs toward the positive: Once you’ve fully accepted and prioritized what it is you’d like to change about yourself, identify your limiting beliefs. A limiting belief is a thought that restricts you from achieving your goals, and it has very real negative consequences.

An individual’s limiting beliefs are largely unconscious and develop out of life experiences. The guy who believes that he’s undeserving of a great relationship or job didn’t just wake up one day thinking, “I’d like to ask that woman out, but she’ll never say yes” or “I’d love to apply to that job, but I’ll never get it.” 

Moments across that person’s life created a false and negative internal narrative that stops them from feeling hopeful about a relationship or better career. Inaction, avoidance, and withdrawal cement their dreaded but expected negative outcome.  

One way to challenge your limiting beliefs is to write down the things you want to change about yourself and the reasons you think you can’t. After identifying them, acknowledge that they’re just beliefs. Challenge your beliefs and recognize the negative consequences they cause you.  Reframe your thinking to adopt a new belief that you can begin to put into practice by using positive self-talk.  

Research studies have repeatedly shown that positive self-talk serves to decrease stress and increase self-esteem and overall wellness. Individuals with anxiety, depression, and other forms of mental health struggles, have demonstrated significant symptom reduction as a result of positive self-talk.     

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude:  Positive Psychology research studies have shown that gratitude is strongly associated with happiness, and that increased levels of happiness lead to motivation, commitment, and change when it comes to achieving goals.  

When it comes to cultivating gratitude in your life, put effort into focusing on the good. By seeking out the good things in our life, you will start to think more positively about all that you have.  

You might benefit from keeping a daily gratitude journal, mentally reminding yourself of the various things you have to be grateful for. 

Abraham Lincoln once said, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”    

Give back:  Human beings are hard wired when it comes to pleasure, and research has shown that being generous and giving to others contributes to happiness and even success. Generous people focus on the good of others over the good for themselves, and thus they will do what they can to work harder to accomplish their goals.  

Consider the character, Ebenezer Scrooge, from “A Christmas Carol. Scrooge’s reframing of his life led to increased happiness, which then buttressed his altruistic drive to give back and help others. Everyone, including Scrooge, benefited from his generosity.

This holiday season is a wonderful time to give to others, and like Scrooge, your generosity could pay back in dividends and could help you to feel better about yourself, and the changes you want to make. 

Visualize success:  Visualization is a cognitive strategy that involves an individual using their imagination to change, achieve, accomplish, or obtain something desired and important. By mentally rehearsing an outcome, you can center yourself with positive thinking and relaxation toward whatever it is you are striving to achieve.  

As a practice, visualization has been around for generations, and it is used by many cultures.  Olympians, professional athletes, celebrities, and many others who have struggled to achieve, have been helped by it.  ‘

A Vision Board is an effective way to practice visualization. You will need a cork board to start. Then, place several pictures or ideas for change on the board. Ideally your ideas will include short or long-term goals. 

Google Images is a great place to find what you might be looking for. A printout of a report card with all “A’s,” a printout of a baby if you are trying to conceive, a printout of someone close to your age and in shape or exercising – these are just a few ideas to visualize your success. 

Place your Vision Board somewhere it will be seen. After you achieve a goal, put up a new one. Research has shown that visualization increases positive thinking and change. 

Remember that achieving your goals is more mental than you think.  Here’s to getting yourself into a winning mindset for successful change in 2023.

Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He can be reached at 703-723-2999. He is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn.